I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
