the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
