Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
