Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
