Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
