I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
