vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
