My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
