Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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