You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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