***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Four minutes until I can fart!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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