My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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