There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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