hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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