So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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