Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
