Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
