Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
