I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
