tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
