Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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