apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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