I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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