we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
