Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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