Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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