When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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