miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
