You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
