dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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