The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Randomize
