we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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