i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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