I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Im part way to drunk.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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