i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
