apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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