Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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