Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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