i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
