there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
