I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
