there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
