I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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