I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Is it because I queefed?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
