I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
this is an emotional support booty call
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
