i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
