cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
