farters have to be the big spoon...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
