I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
