Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
