Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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